The Struggle

Yesterday, my daughter decided to go off on me because I had asked her if she and her husband would be uncomfortable if Charlie and I put up a "holiday" tree this year. You see, Kimberly and Zach are coming to my house for Chanukah and I didn't want them to walk in and see the tree then -- I wanted to give them a heads up. I didn't know what they would do -- walk out? I wanted to find out ahead of time so if she told me they wouldn't come if there was a tree, we would then not put up the tree. I still don't know that we ARE putting up the tree. But, I figured, get it all out in the open just in case. Kimberly told me that Zach would feel a little uncomfortable. So, I told her that when I come to her house, I follow her rules and that I will live my life how I wish in my own home. For some reason, she told me what I said and how I said it hurt her feelings. She went off on me about how they feel judged by me and that I don't understand or accept how they practice their religion. She also blew me away by telling me they don't consider themselves Orthodox. It was quite crazy. I kept telling her that she was being argumentative and finally said, after she sent me a really insane and nasty e-mail, that if she wanted to discuss it further, she could call me. She shot me back that I was right and she didn't want to argue and would talk to me later this week. That, on top of my mom refusing to pay for a caregiver to stay with her while Charlie and I go to his daughter's wedding totally sent me over the edge. I was a sobbing wreck last night. As it stands, I'm not going to the wedding and it sucks. Charlie will be gone 5 days. I'm somewhat relieved because Charlie feels his ex-wife will accost me even though I was in no way responsible for the break up of his marriage to her. Who needs that kind of crap?! But, I also hate that I will miss out on his daughter's big day. And, my mom keeps apologizing that she is holding me back. I AM very angry that I'm being held prisoner. I thought by securing a caregiver service that I'd actually get to go do things again. But, she won't spend the money. She's giving me a horribly hard time about the daily caregiver who comes for 3 hours each afternoon. I just can't win. I feel like my life is over. By the time I have my freedom back, I might be too old and sick to enjoy it. I just really need a break.

The Wedding that Came and Went

It's been awhile since I checked in. Obviously, Kimberly's wedding is but a mere memory. Let's just say that I did not emerge as one of Zach's mother's best friends. It's surprising, though, how nice her friends and family were to me, including her mother and brothers. Mimi and Elliot are just not nice people. They treated me like crap the whole weekend of Kimberly's wedding and didn't even talk to me. I sat next to Elliot at the Shabbat luncheon on Saturday and tried to engage him in conversation but it didn't last long. Then, at the wedding, they did not speak to me at all. Yup, not at all! In fact, she was an utter bitch to me. The night before the wedding, it was Robbie, Kimberly, me and Kimberly's friend Sarah in a hotel room. I had brought a couple of surprises for Kimberly, including a book I made from pictures of her bridal shower. Nothing. She was like nothing to me that night and the whole wedding. No connection whatsoever. The wedding actually went very smoothly. A couple of things that ticked me off -- the flowers I ordered for Zach, his brothers and his father were never touched...left like garbage in a box. Zach never put that damn flower on! And, then, the stupid Jewish music. I had gotten assurances from Kimberly and Zach that the music would last a half hour. It lasted two hours!! My guests were so bored by it that they all ended up going outside until it stopped! Even all these months later, it all pisses me off to no end. And, since then, it's been all about Zach's family. I've seen Kimberly exactly twice since August. She and Zach came back from a more than 2 week honeymoon in Israel, London and Ireland and she still hasn't called me. We had a short google chat last week. I had wanted to get together finally for Chanukah and she suggested next Monday, Marin Luther King Day. I really can't do it that day. I haven't heard from her and I don't plan on contacting her. I'm so done with being treated like shit! Then, today, I find out that my son, Robbie, got a $3,000 refund check from school as reimbursement from the NJ STARS program for the first semeseter and he neglected to tell me and then blew all the money!! I've had to bail him out of financial jams over the last few months, too. I feel like I must have a "Crap on Lynne" sign on me. I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment but it must have been pretty bad. I get crapped on by my brother who has told me his effort for his mother is commensurate with the amount of money he'll get when he dies. My kids treat me like I don't exist. My boss sucks the life out of me and doesn't appreciate a damn thing. But, I am alive and for the time that I have left on earth I'm going to try to have fun, enjoy life and surround myself with people who actually care about me!